Why don't i tell you the story of a man called... Bill Cheetler. The year is 1983. Michael Jackson's "thriller" is tearing up the charts. The new family computer "famicon" is released in Japan, and somewhere in Westfield Missouri, a man is overseeing operations at the 14th largest frito-lay factory in America. His name is Bill Cheetler. Now Bill Cheetler was always a great student. He attended the Fontbonne University in Clayton Missouri where he pursued a degree in business administration. As part of his education he took on an internship at Frito-Lay where he would work on the assembly line dusting lay's chips with onion powder and various preservative chemicals. Bill Cheetler became so dedicated to his work that his entire diet was exclusively dominated by snacks produced by the factory. For breakfast: twinkies. For lunch: funyuns. And for dinner: ranch and lime flavored fritos, which nobody would eat. I mean these things were terrible and they would be discontinued months later. But one day, the head of packaging comes into the factory, and he sees Bill eating some of these ranch and lime fritos, and he says "how can you eat that crap?", and Bill says, "well, I've actually altered the recipe". "You see by isolating the ranch flavor you draw out the true energy of the chip." Head of packaging takes a frito, puts it in his mouth [nyam,nyam] He turns to Bill and he says, "you are the genius of potato chips". It didn't take long for Bill Cheetler to rise through the company's ranks. His passion for his work was intense and he would often stay at work late perfecting the recipes for his latest treats. The factory was now closed. The machinery and lights turned off, except for Bill's office in the corner of the second floor. Bill was developing a new flavor of Lay's chips called smoking honey barbecue, but so far he could only replicate the flavor of ketchup. "This isn't working", Bill was furious. But then he heard an echoing thud. The sound seemed to come from the factory floor. Bill's heart started racing. "Hello?", he shouted out, "is someone still out there?" No response. Bill gazed out of his office door into the darkness of the factory. But then... A faint blue glow appeared. Bill slowly arose from his chair and walked toward the door. A low humming could be heard. He walked out into the darkness and drew closer and closer towards the mysterious glow... until... [GAHOOO] "Hello Bill!" It was a small gnome holding a blue lantern. "What are you doing in my factory?" Bill asked the creature. "Ahh Bill i'm a guhnome! Grilbo Gnome to be particular, and I have come here seeking your assistance". "I'm sorry but I'm very busy I was just about to head home" "Grab onto me hand Bill" The gnome jumped up and grabbed Bill's hand and they went [BOOM and scream] The gnome was teleporting building to another time period. They were surrounded by blue lasers and shit and it was like [bwumwumwum]. And then [nintendo click] [seagulls] Bill awoke and what appeared to be a pirate ship. "Argh matey. What are you doing on me ship, the S.S. Scooberdungus?" "Listen I just work for frito's company, and I was tricked onto this ship by a little gnome" "A gnome! bahahaha", the Captain and his crew burst into laughter. "You have to listen to me silverbeard. I did not choose to come here" "No you listen Bill Cheater! You have cheated me out of me fee of passage. Either pay up me money, or you'll have to travel in stowaway class!" Bill reached into his wallet and hands over silver beard about three dollars and seventeen cents. "Three dollars and seventeen cents? This be a pittance. This be a mockery! This be an insult" "Listen you big asshole. Once we get to shore then I can go to an atm and I can pay you the rest of the money you don't have to worry about that." "Go to shore he says! Bahahaha! Looks like you'll be traveling in stowaway class!" "Stowaway, stowaway, stowaway, stowaway", all the pirates started chanting "And where do stowaways go me mateys?" "Throw him overboard" "Walk the plank Mr Bill" Bill is surrounded on all sides by pirates. He walks onto the plank there's a bunch of sharks under the boat and then... He bounces off the plank into the air and starts doing 300 front flips and then Bill pulls out a gun. Starts shooting at the pirates "Oh fuck!" Big ass battle breaks out. Bill is shooting at all the pirates and lands in the lookout part (you know the crows or whatever the fuck that's called) "Bill has gained the upper hand! Shake him off the nest!" The pirate starts shaking a big pole trying to shake him out. He's wobbling all over but then Bill spots a barrel on the main bow He's got only one bullet left. He takes aim. [BOOM] Direct hit! Orange powder explodes from the barrel! "Not me powder you fool! You'll damn us all to hell" Then from the ocean floor a giant creature locks on to the scent of powdered cheese. [SPLASH] A giant octopus monster called Peter octopus starts picking up pirates and throwing them into the sea. He's just like picking up everybody hittin' 'em. Killing everybody. "Shoot him with the harpoon" "But sir he knocked over the harpoon" "Oh fuck" Peter octopus bites the captain's head off. Jumps back into the ocean with the barrels. Everybody's dead... except for Bill. "Oh brother just what have I gotten myself into this time" Bill climbed down from the crow's nest and tries to enter the captain's quarters in search of a map. "Dang it it's locked" Bill grabs a rope, ties it around the doorknob and ties the other end around the cannon Pushes the cannon overboard and it rips the door off its hinges [Splash] Inside Bill scours through papers and trinkets until he finds a document labeled world map, however something isn't right "Why is this whole thing just blue?" North America, South America, Africa, Asia, Europe, Australia, Antarctica. None of them are represented on the map. "This cannot be" "Hey let me out of here" Bill heard someone yelling in the distance "Where are you" Looking through the monkey bars on the floor (you know how pirate ships have that part?) He could see what appeared to be a large ape "Who are you creature?" The ape was big and brown with funny hair and a big red tie "My name is dylan kane i'm a talking monkey but i can only talk to you once" Bill felt he could trust dylan and let him out of his prison "Thank you great warrior" Dylan bowed to Bill in a sign of respect "Can you steer the ship towards land Mr Kane?" "But there is no land my liege" "What do you mean? What happened to all of our lands???" Dylan Kane closed his eyes and entered a trance-like state "Thousands of years ago, the civilizations of man fell into ruin. Their great cities engulfed by the ocean surrounding them. At the height of their powers humanity sought to combine the elements of cheese and corn into a sort of crunchy food-like substance. The global leaders poured the planet's resources into mastering this technology, sacrificing the lives of millions in vain. Hundreds of wars broke out on the surface, while those in power dug deep into the earth's core. In their desperation they turned to a man called Kilgore Prime, a powerful sith-jedi who was half robot half orc and he had laser vision. Kilgore Prime was granted access to the rod of destiny, but he betrayed the humans, and summoned a giant wave destroying everything in its path. Only pockets of humanity survived the orcis workus flood, and now we sail around the world looking for corn to eat. Only you Bill Cheedle have the power of the summoner to defeat galactus prime and save the world from its final reckoning." Bill was stunned "But i'm just a manager of a food processing factory in Shitston Ohio how can i ever defeat galactus?" "Quick defeat galactus there he is." "BILL CHEEDLER DO YOU THINK YOU CAN FACE ME IN MY DOMAIN?" Dude transforms into a big ass robot start shooting big-ass fuckin' lasers and shit. [BOOMIES] "Die galactus bastard" "Ah shit galactus has hundreds of powers" "Grab onto my belt Grilbo" Bill shoots a grapple hook onto the moon and starts swinging around the moon "Grilbo if i don't make it tell donkey kong I love him" Bill launches himself like a missile through the heart of galactus and kills his stupid fucking head off Well darth looks like your reign of terror is over then all the little ewoks started dancing [Music] Come on grilbo let's go home [Nintendo Click] Bill woke up in his bed back in iowa. Was it all a dream? He had breakfast, took a shower, and started walking to work. He saw old man jenkins walking his beagle "Hi Bill" The baker patissimo was putting loaves of bread in his storefront window "Hi Bill" And then... who did Bill bump into but Chester Cheetah. "Here you go Bill. Here is my secret recipe." Bill Cheedle went into work excited for the first time in his life. He took a weird looking corn chip and started pouring mac and cheese powder on top of it. His employees looked at him confused. "Sir, what are you doing?" "Making cheetos grilbo... making cheetos" [Music]